No tengo ganas de hacer nada

Did you ever get the feeling of just not doing a thing?  Just staying in bed and staring at space, or closing your eyes and daydreaming.  Loosing yourself in your thoughts that when you finally focus in on time it has been hours since you started on your journey? 

Well, that was exactly how I felt today.  I didn't do a damn thing.  I woke up very early, trouble sleeping, and decided to read a book. So, technically I did do something, but it really wasn't productive.  Well, I found the book laying around and decided to give it a go.  The name of the book is "Good in Bed" by Jennifer Weiner.  I have never read a book of hers, so, I really didn't know what expect.  So, I read and finished reading it in ten hours.  I am horrible like that, if I like a book I wont be able to put it down and I will just finish it in a day.  That is why when I sit to a read a book I give myself a whole day to enjoy it.  Well, anyways I read it and enjoyed it.  I cried, laughed, cried again, actually I cried a lot.  I am not one of 'those' that cries when she watched a Hallmark commercial, but this book was that good.  I would recommend it, only if you like books that may be considered a somewhat comedy romantic.  Plus, it deals with the weight issue.   And that is all I have to say about the book, and now I am just trying to motivate myself and start cleaning my room.  It's not getting far.  It is a daunting project, since I will be 'moving out' in a couple of day and that room needs to look as if I never was there.  Once accumulates a lot of crap in six months and I have to either send it home or get rid of it. 

Cuerpos

Excuse me while I get on my soap box.

Why are we obsessed with como nos vemos? We want to be thinner or curvier, darker or lighter, shorter or taller. Why cant we be happy? Nunca estamos conformes con lo que tenemos. We can blame it on the media and how we get bombarded with all of these images, but en realidad we are the ones with the power of deciding on how we feel about ourselves. Yo no soy un size 6 or 12. I go between a 14 and/or 16 and I am, I guess you can say, learning to be happy with who I am and how I look. I will be honest, it is not that easy. Especially when you have your querida madre who does love me a lot, pero siempre saying, "You need to loose weight es para tu bien." You know what mom, NO, no es para mi bien. I really don't want to be a size 6. I really do believe I am beautiful how I look and it is difficult when people tell you otherwise. It is difficult when people have prejudice over people appearances. It is no longer that color of your skin or the way you might speak. Now, people are looking at your body weight. This should not matter. What? The more I weight the less brain cells I have? Come on people. We need to accept.

I do believe every body is beautiful in its own way. It is something I have been coming to terms concerning my own body. It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been easy trying to find clothes that will fit me and at the same time look nice, trendy and comfortable. It hasn't been easy walking in to a store and getting looked down because of my body weight. Hispana and overweight. Yeah,not easy. I will not let some industry force me to conform to some stick figure. I am a healthy, curvy, intelligent woman that has more to offer than what my body looks like. And they better start paying attention, because I am not the only one out there feeling like this. One day there will be hell to pay.

I mean why are people so focused on that and so judgmental. They assume that because we are overweight we don't care about our health, our appearance and ourselves. I found these articled on-line and it pissed me off, because even though the citations are dated on the first excerpt they still reflect today's society.

Issues presented in the Handbook of Psychotherapy for Anorexia Nervosa and Bulimia edited by David M. Garner and Paul Garfinkel (1985). This section entitled "Prejudice against Obesity" on pages 520-522 states the following:

Women are encouraged to diet not only because of the virtues associated with slenderness, but also because of the unparalleled social stigma against obesity. It has been suggested the "public derision and condemnation of fat people is one of the few remaining sanctioned social prejudices . . . allowed against any group based solely on appearance" (Fitzgerald, 1981, p.223). There is evidence that obese individuals are denied educational opportunities, jobs, promotion and housing because of their weight (Bray, 1976; Canning & Mayer, 1966; Karris, 1977). However, disdain toward obesity begins much earlier. Several studies have documented that grade-school children consistently attribute negative qualities to larger body shapes (Lerner, 1969, 1973; Lerner & Gelbert, 1969; Lerner & Korn, 1972; Staffieri, 1967, 1972). Both normal-weight and overweight children describe obese silhouettes as "stupid," "dirty," "lazy," "sloppy," "mean," "ugly," and "sad," among other pejorative labels (Allon, 1975; Staffieri, 1967, 1972). Earlier studies reported that drawings of obese children were evaluated less favorably than drawings of children who were physically handicapped or disfigured (Goodman, Dornbusch, Richardson, & Hastorf, 1963; Richardson, Goodman, Hastorf, & Dornbusch, 1961). Even more incredible is the finding that professionals, including psychiatrists, psychologists, and social workers, also ranked the obese figures as less desirable. In a comprehensive review of these and other studies, O.W. Wooley, Wooley, and Dyrenforth (1979) suggest that these prejudices "learned in childhood no doubt become the basis for self-hatred among those who become overweight at later ages, and a source of anxiety and self-doubt for anyone fearful of becoming overweight" (p.83).

Now, here is another article that was done a few years back. Same thing still happening.

A new generation of insults

By Selicia Kennedy-Ross

Fatso.

Bubblebutt.

Big fat seal.

Tell the overweight and obese children who are called these names that words will never hurt them.

Harassed at school and sometimes even by authority figures, these children often are left feeling powerless and depressed. Even suicidal.

What starts as bullying on the playground can end with discrimination in the workplace - even at the hospital by medical staff, studies show.

Experts say overweight children are more ostracized by their peers today than they were 40 years ago.

"We were wondering if obesity would be more accepted today because of its increased prevalence and visibility," said Janet Latner, an assistant professor at the University of Canterbury in New Zealand.

Latner worked on a 2001 study of 415 New Jersey middle school students that indicates stigmatization of overweight children has grown 40 percent since 1961.

Not good news for the 9 million children who are overweight or obese in the United States, where the prevalence of obesity has tripled in children 6 to 11 and doubled among adolescents 12 to 19 since the 1970s.

Latner and fellow researcher Albert Stunkard replicated a 1961 study that polled 458 fifth- and sixth-graders from various backgrounds. Both groups were asked to rank six drawings of different children by how much they liked each child.

The drawings were of:
• A child using a wheelchair.
• A child missing a hand.
• A child with a disfigured face.
• A child holding crutches and wearing a leg brace.
• A slim child.
• An overweight child.

Children in both 1961 and 2001 repeatedly ranked the overweight child as least favorable overall, while ranking the slim child highest. But the Latner-Stunkard study also showed the 2001 group was more strongly biased against the overweight child, ranking that child even lower than the 1961 group had, by 40 percent.

Youngsters who are branded as overweight already likely have low self-esteem, said Joanne Ikeda, co-director of the Center for Weight and Health Nutritional Science at UC Berkeley. That puts them at a higher risk for other problems like substance abuse, promiscuity and suicide.

A University of Minnesota study reported that 26 percent of teens who were teased at school and home said they considered suicide. Nine percent attempted it.

"Few problems in childhood have as significant an impact as being overweight," Ikeda said. "We tend to have this bizarre belief as a society that making obese people feel bad is for their own good because if they felt bad enough or if they just tried hard enough they could be thin.

"When a group of people are stigmatized and treated as badly as fat people are - how could you come out of that? Obviously, they will be depressed. Often our self-esteem is reflected by people around us, and if people around us think we're bad, we begin to believe that, too."

A 1995 study by Finnish researchers at Helsinki University Hospital published in the International Journal of Obesity concluded that obese people are "subject to intense prejudice and discrimination."

Children as young as 6 describe their overweight peers as "lazy, dirty, stupid, ugly, cheats and liars."

The stigma of being overweight cuts two ways - one for the body's appearance and the other for the person's lack of moral character in their "failure on not controlling one's weight," according to the study.

Cultural conditioning is so deep that some 3-year-olds characterize their chubby peers as "bad" and thin children as "good," Latner said.

Nick, a 9-year-old fourth-grader at Smiley Elementary School in Redlands, said he would want to date a skinny girl rather than a heavier girl because the thinner girl was more likely to have "a nicer car and place."

He also said the thinner girl would have done better in school and college because she "listened in class better" than the heavier girl.

Yale University researchers conducted a number of studies documenting how overweight people are discriminated against in the areas of employment, education, health care, adoption proceedings, jury selection and housing.

Among the findings:
• 28 percent of teachers in one study said that becoming obese is the worst thing that can happen to a person.

• 24 percent of nurses said that they are repulsed by obese people.

• Parents provided less financial college support for their overweight children than for their thin children.

"Fat is the last great prejudice we've held on to," said Judi Hollis, a psychologist, family therapist and author of the book, "Fat Is A Family Affair."

"We can't hate people of color any more, but we can sure hate fat people," Hollis said. "We either think of it as something that's not really a problem or something to ridicule."

Parents, however, can take steps to empower their children.

They can reassure heavy children that having a large body doesn't mean they are bad and they can encourage a healthful lifestyle, such as a eating healthful foods and having a daily hour of active play, experts said.

Children who are overweight or obese should act as other children do, Ikeda said. They should get involved in clubs at school, go to dances and be sociable.

"It takes a tremendous amount of personal character to be able to do that in a society where stigmatization of obese people is not only tolerated but supported," Ikeda said. "And to tell themselves that other people are not going to determine their life for them."

Parents also should stand up for their children if they are being teased or discriminated against. Get teachers and school administrators involved, if necessary. While some overweight children are quick with witty or clever comebacks, most are beaten down by society's preoccupation with thinness, Ikeda said.

Carlos Ruelas, a 9-year-old Rialto boy, deals with cruel comments from children in his neighborhood because he is overweight. He weighs roughly 90 pounds and is less than 5 feet tall.
"It happens when I'm outside playing - some people call me `fatso' and stuff," he said. "I ignore them or I walk away. Sometimes I tell them to stop but sometimes they keep doing it."

Carlos plays right field on a Little League baseball team. One of the team's best players, he is good at stealing bases and driving in runs.

He sometimes tries to compensate for his weight by excelling in sports and said the children who torment him are usually surprised when he does well in athletics.

"If I do good in sports, they leave me alone."

V-Day

Primero.

What is V-Day?

Bueno, "V-Day is a global movement to stop violence against women and girls. V-Day is a catalyst that promotes creative events to increase awareness, raise money and revitalize the spirit of existing anti-violence organizations. V-Day generates broader attention for the fight to stop violence against women and girls, including rape, battery, incest, female genital mutilation (FGM) and sexual slavery."

Ahora, aqui esta el problema. We are going to show the "Vagina Monologues" and certain individuals, of the male kind, are opposed because of the content of the video. First off, they don't even know what the video is about, simply because the word vagina is in the title they assume it is sexual. We were tried to shut down, pero no, we will continue with our showing y ese hombre will remain ignorant to the cause.

It is hombres como esos that make it difficult for women to live a save life. Not because they may be the perpetrators, but because of their ignorance they are not allowed to see the injustices that are done to women and girl. They do not open their eyes. If it is difficult for women in the United States to get help when concerning violence, ahora imaginense que dificil es para mujeres de otros paises. It is atrocious the things that are done to women around the world, it is worse that they are not able to seek help since they do not have such programs in their countries. However, little by little organizations as this one and others are trying to lend a hand, doing what they can. Even if it is spreading information.

Para mas informacion please visit:

V-Day
http://www.vday.org/main.html
Violencia contra la Mujer
http://www.ispm.org.ar/violencia/home-violencia2.html
Un Poco de estatisticas de la UN
http://www.un.org/spanish/conferences/Beijing/fs4.htm
Amnistia Internacional
http://www.es.amnesty.org/nomasviolencia/

Otra vez...Hombres.

Chicas, pregunta.  What is up with men?  I mean they show interest, you know, las miraditas que nos dan, todos los compliments, and how they find a way to always touch you.  So, here you are thinking, he is interested. Y despues,  when you start displaying lo mismo.  They back off como si tuviera la pinche plaga.   I mean don't  play games with me, cabron.  If I respond es porque I'm interested, and then don't go and flirt with some other pinche vieja in front of my face right after you have dissed me.  Disrespectful, cabron! (No matter how gorgeous you might be.)

 

"There are easier things in life than trying to find a nice guy...like nailing jelly to a tree for example.”

My hand at poetry

Ok, Don't laugh or roll your ojos. I just felt like writing this stuff down.

Miedo
What do I do when I start feeling again? I remember. I was always in pain for you. Pero, you didn't even notice. I'm scared now. I don't want to feel that way again. ¿Qué hago? I ask myself. You are gone, but I still fill it inside. El Dolor. It doesn't leave instantly como tu. Pero yo se that it will fade. I will feel.

Laughter
When I'm sad I laugh. I will not let you win. I fell. I smirked. I thought of you. I smiled. I though of myself. I laughed.

Your Answer
Te invite. I hoped you would come. Espere, pero you never showed. No me despidi de ti. I had no closure. Te fuiste and that was your respuesta. Now I know la verdad, nothing between us.

¿Porqué?
¿Porqué juegas conmigo? As if I was a child. Algo cute que puedes dejar aside. Pense que we had algo. Pero again it was todo en mi mente. ¿Porqué hago eso?

You Know
Sabes algo, me dices que soy special. Que soy unique. Que eres a lucky man for have met me, pero despues me dejas sin decir Adios. Tal vez no soy tan especial. Tal vez son lines que le dices a varias como yo. Pendejas que esperan a alguien.

Preguntas Inutiles
Why is it easier to write when you are in pain? Why do we need to feel anguish to let ourselves open up? Why does our mind feel creativity when our hearts are breaking? Why are the best things about loss? Why do I care what you think? Who are you to me? Who could you have been? Who could have I been? Was it ever meant to be? No, todo era inutil.

I Just Laughed
I got happy when I saw your face. Pero, cabron, you just ignored me, and trust me honey I'm hard to ignore. Weren't you the one that said I lit up the room when I walked in? Another of your pinches lines. I just laugh cuando me acuerdo de que pendeja era.

Hombres

Primero, a disclaimer, I have never been in a serious relationship or a relationship, per sey. Pero Dios mio estos hombres que me sacan de quicio estan tan chulos. And I have to say una cosa, I'm a guerito lover. Ok, chicas, don't get your chonis in a knot, all I am saying that they have been the only ones to have treated how I should be treated. Con respeto. Now, I know that they are some hombres de nosotros out there that may be able to do the same. Pero yo no los he visto. Y otra cosa, todo los hombres que yo he conosido, y hablo de nuestra raza, son un par de cabrones. That is all. Claro, there are times when they all piss me off, no importa, what color, race or que chingados, no mas los quiero hacer desaparecer.

Pero saben que, hay hombres de todas clases que estan como quieren, chulos y buenos.

"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.”
~Oscar Wilde

I will introduce myself.

I'm a Latina, mas bien, a Mexicana. Born in Los Angeles mis padres came from Mexico for a better life and all that other stuff. Realized that Los Angeles wouldn't work for all those dreams so when I was starting that 7th grade we were uprooted from California para ir a Colorado. Mis padres are from a small unknown nomad tribe of Mexico, or so yo pensaba, since we moved so much. Pero no that is not the case we just moved a lot. Ahora, I still didn't know who I was in California. You know I wasn't the only Mexican in Cali. so I really had no knowledge of who I was. Then, bam, I'm in Colorado going to some ESL school, aunque, I spoke English and in Cali. I never went to ESL classes, because I knew English, and it wasn't going to get any better no matter what classes I took. Now I was going to school with a lot of Asian kids, which was cool because they had delicious food. Pero through the Asian kids I realized who I was. I was super Mexican. Can you believe it that out of the whole ESL program in that middle school I was the only Hispanic? Well, it’s true. All the other Hispanic kids were third or fourth generation, so no hablaban nada de Espanish. But, then we moved to a gringo neighborhood where the few Hispanics were either third or fourth generation or so mainstreamed that they were just white. Pero es okay, because I was there to teach them a bit of la cultura. Y ahora I don’t even have to worry since my high school is like fifty percent Hispanics. HA!

So, it begins.

Como dice la canción...Me canse de rogarte. Me canse de decirte...bueno, you guys know the rest. Porque me canse de decir the same stuff over and over again. I mean que nadie pays attention. Bueno, I have decided to create this haven for any of us that need to rant. I will rant about my life and then laugh at myself, porque who the hell cares what I have to say. I know you guys don't, pero incase you do aqui les va.

Pero como dice la gente,"Si no te gusta then don't do it." or in this case don't read it.

This will be my Diario. I am going to start desde mi infancia until presente. Hopefully, I find some chidas hermanas out there.

"Whatever games are played with us, we must play no games with ourselves."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson